


Not today

by GreenGlitchBitch



Series: Good Omens [16]
Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Angst, Can't be together, Crying, Heartbreaking, I actually am sorry for this one this time, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Scene: Church in London 1941 (Good Omens), Pure sadness, This might one of the saddest things I've ever written without killing a character, seriously, there is no happy ending, this is nothing but heartbreak and sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:20:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27143047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenGlitchBitch/pseuds/GreenGlitchBitch
Summary: The drive back to the Bookshop as silent, except for the distant sound of bombs falling and exploding. Crowley kept his eyes ahead on the road, using his ability to see in the dark to aid him in driving without headlights, carefully sneaking glances at the nervous angel to his left. Aziraphale flinched at every exploding bomb, clutching his bag of books closer to his body, as if afraid of losing them. Crowely smiled softly, finding comfort in the silence, until Aziraphale finally spoke.“Why?”
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Good Omens [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1621834
Comments: 6
Kudos: 21





	Not today

**Author's Note:**

> Seriously, the tags are not lying. This is nothing but angst, heartbreak and sadness. Bring your tissues if you decide to read this. I broke my own heart writing it. And, it didn't help that some sad Doctor Who soundtrack songs started playing while I was working on this. There aren't really an tw in this, just sadness. There's nothing happy about this, it's honest to someone pure angst. Anyway, I do actually apologize for this fic, but I hope you guys like it, and I hope it doesn't hurt too badly!

The drive back to the Bookshop as silent, except for the distant sound of bombs falling and exploding. Crowley kept his eyes ahead on the road, using his ability to see in the dark to aid him in driving without headlights, carefully sneaking glances at the nervous angel to his left. Aziraphale flinched at every exploding bomb, clutching his bag of books closer to his body, as if afraid of losing them. Crowely smiled softly, finding comfort in the silence, until Aziraphale finally spoke.

“Why?”

“Why what, Angel?”

“Why did you have to come back into my life?”

Crowley looked to Aziraphale, hurt rising in his heart, confusion in his head. Did the angel finally decide enough was enough between the two of them? Had he gone too far in blowing up the church?

“What does that mean, Angel?”

“Why, after almost eighty years, did you come back now?”

“B-because you were in danger! I couldn’t just let you discorporate!” Crowely said in exasperation. Aziraphale scoffed.

“So you disappear for eighty years, and only show up when you think I need saving? You clearly think so highly of me, Crowley” Aziraphale said, and Crowley’s heart ached a little more.

“Angel, that’s not wh-” he began, before Aziraphael interrupted him.

“Where were you?” the angel asked angrily, sounding close to tears. Crowely looked at his lap, guiltily. He hadn’t meant to hurt the angel by taking a nap.

“I was asleep” he admitted, sounding ashamed in himself.

“For eighty years?” Aziraphael asked, sounding like he didn’t believe him. Crowley shook his head.

“No. I’ve been awake for a year. I would have gone to see you right away, but I didn’t think you even wanted to see me after our fight in ‘62. So, I helped where I could with the war, instead. I only came back tonight, because I could feel you were in danger. I couldn’t just let you discorporate without doing something to help” Crowley said, turning a corner, the bookshop getting closer and closer. He braved a glance at Aziraphale, thought he still looked sad. They drove in silence a little while longer, until Aziraphale spoke up again, quieter than before. 

“So...why did you sleep for eighty years?” he asked. Crowley sighed audibly, and pulled up outside of the bookshop, resting his head on his arms, his hands still on the wheel.

“We’d just had our worst fight in five thousand years. I wanted to give you some time to cool down, and I wanted to be alone for a while. But, I was just so drained from the fight, I fell asleep. Didn’t wake up until a year ago. Suddenly, there’s a war on, and people are in danger, civilians. I did what I could to help, while giving you space. I thought you were still mad at me. Now it seems I should have stayed away all together” Crowley said, sounding so tired, despite the 79 year nap. Aziraphale looked at him, in shock.

“And that would have fixed things?” Aziraphale asked, sounding just as angry as he had before.

“Well, you still haven’t explained why you’re so upset I finally came back. If I hadn’t come back,  _ would  _ it have fixed things?” Crowely asked, anger seeping into his own voice now. Aziraphale opened his mouth a couple of times, not finding the words.

“Exactly. So, I’ll just drop you off, and you’ll never see or hear from me again, Aziraphale” Crowley said, coldly. Aziraphale flinched at the use of his name. Crowely rarely called him Aziraphale, unless he was especially upset. Still, he made no move to exit the Bentley.

“Do you really want to know why I was so upset to see you again, Crowley?” he asked, sounding scared. Crowley didn’t look at him, just stared ahead, still and tense as a snake. Aziraphale took that as a sign to continue.

“After the first five years of your absence, I thought you were on a long assignment from Hell. But, you usually send me a letter after the first five years. After twenty, I thought you might still be cooling off. By fifty, I realized you were never coming back. I thought, ‘well, I’ll never see him again’. So, I tried moving on. I tried getting used to being without you. I recovered from the heart ache of your absence brought. After seventy nine years, I had moved on, feeling ready to face the world, a new angel. Or so I thought. Then, tonight, you sauntered back into my life like nothing had ever happened, and I realized I hadn’t gotten over you at all. I had merely convinced myself that I no longer missed you. In fact, I missed you more than ever. And then, you saved my books, simply because you knew how much they meant to me. And I realized it was worse than I thought. I don’t just miss you. I don’t just enjoy your company. Crowley, I realized tonight that I have fallen in love with you. And I can’t be in love with you” Aziraphale said, looking down at his hands, clenched together. He heard a sniffle, and turned to look at Crowley. He was sitting in the same position he had before, glasses still on. But Aziraphale hadn’t failed to notice the tears streaming down the demons face.

“Why not? Is it because I’m a demon, one of the fallen, unworthy of the love of an angel?” Crowley asked, hurt flooding his voice, new tears finding their ways down his face.

“No! Never for that reason. Crowley, I can’t be in love with you because it puts you in danger. If Heaven found out, they would think you’re trying to tempt me. Crowley, they would kill you. I can’t let that happen darling, don’t ask that of me” Aziraphale said, trying to keep his voice strong. He had to be strong. Strong for himself, and strong for Crowley.

“And you thought it was a good idea to tell me you love me too. That you share the feelings I’ve felt for you since the day we met, and then snatch away the joy I should feel over hearing that, by telling me I can never have you. As if that doesn’t kill me inside to hear. Aziraphale, there is no worse a punishment than loving an angel” Crowely said, his voice wavering, and Aziraphale winced. Crowley still had not looked at him.

“Crowley, I-” Aziraphael began, but Crowley wasn’t finished yet.

“I was right. Everything would have been fixed if I’d never come back. I could have continued to live in a fantasy world, where one day, we could be together. You never would have realized your love for me, and my heart wouldn’t be broken right now” Crowley said, taking a breath, not sounding angry, just broken inside.

“And, it’s not even your fault. It’s mine. I’m to blame for all of this. I slithered up to you in Eden, I suggested the arrangement, I asked for the Holy Water, I was the one that came back. I’ve broken my own heart. I set myself up for heart break the very first day we met, standing under your wing as you sheltered me from the rain. If I had just done what any other demon would have done, run away, returned to Hell, this never would have happened to me. Never was much of a demon anyway. Demons don’t fall in love with angels” Crowely said, still not looking at Aziraphale. He could tell, just from the feelings shooting off of the angel in bulk, he was already crying silently. Crowley knew he would not be able to stand seeing his angel cry.

“Darl-” Aziraphale tried again, but Crowley wasn’t letting him get a word in. Not now. He knew, the angel would only apologize for something he didn’t do on purpose. He couldn’t handle hearing that right now.

“I think you should go. It’s getting late, and I don’t want to darken your doorstep any longer. You won’t see me again for while after this. Don’t worry, I’m not leaving forever” Crowley said, knowing Aziraphale would try to argue.

“I just need some time away from you, to process everything that has come out tonight. I can’t be around you right now, it hurts too much. I can’t even look at you, without wanting to sob. Don’t worry, I’ll be back. I can never stay away from you for very long. I can’t handle life without you in it. I’ll be back, it just might be a few years before you see me again. It won’t be nearly eighty, maybe no more than five. I-i just can’t stand to be near you after all you’ve said. It hurts too much” Crowely said, staring down at his hands, resting in his lap. He didn’t look up at Aziraphale for a minute, and that’s when Aziraphale knew Crowley wouldn’t say anything more to him for a while. He understood why. He’d just told the demon everything he’d ever wanted could be his, and then snatched it away from him again, as if it was nothing. That does things to people, whether permanent or not. If Crowley wanted space from Aziraphael after tonight, the least he could do was grant him that space.

“Goodbye Crowley” Aziraphale said, before exiting the car, and going into the shop, his bag of books tightly clutched in his hands. Once Crowley knew he was alone for good, he took off his glasses and sobbed and screamed. It was a scream of heartbreak, a sob of 6000 years of hurt and lost love. Maybe one day, he and Aziraphale could be free to love each other without fears of their head offices. But, that day was not today. And neither of them knew when that day would come. Today, however, Crowley was alone again, this time of his own volition. And all he could do right now was sob and scream.


End file.
